Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
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My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾‍♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there