I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.