[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
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Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.