starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
The “research” scene in every horror movie
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know