I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”