Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
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Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
went fishing caught a bass
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.