IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
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my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
that de-escalated quickly
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT