Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
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if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).