*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I put the hot in psychotic.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.