*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Note to self: I am a note
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
23. the denim jacket
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*