A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭