IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
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NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
We found love in a hopeless place.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon