boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
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If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
My spirit animal is fried chicken
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
British websites use biscuits.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.