I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
You Might Also Like
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
it must be school picture day
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.