I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
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[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright