There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol