Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
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Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
me logging onto twitter
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?