As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
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“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Customize Your Wedding.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.