Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
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Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
not to brag, but mine was free
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”