[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
There is no try. There is only give up.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
In space, no one can hear…
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]