FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
how to have fun when you’re poor
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did