ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.