Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
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Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories