My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
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[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.