You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
#Caturday
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.