Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
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him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
We have a winner.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Good morning!
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Webb. James Webb.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron