Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now