This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
is it earth
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.