Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
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Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso