Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
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call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
*puts cutlery down*
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?