Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
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“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Worst perfume name ever.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando