Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
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At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.