I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
You deplete me
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money