discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
You Might Also Like
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry