Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
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9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Had an epiphany today.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February