My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
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Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet