“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
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UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Yup
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them