Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
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The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions