Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t