Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
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Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Donkey Kong sommelier
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.