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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?