“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
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You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.