“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.