[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
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FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
just pretend nothing happened
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
that de-escalated quickly
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do