Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality