I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
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Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Weirdly Wednesday.