Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
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Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
White parent Vs Arab parents
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy