*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
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I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
OH. COME. ON.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….