I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?