If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.